I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
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we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
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I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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