DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
