I accidentally had phone sex last night
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
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This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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