Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
