I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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