I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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