I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
