if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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