I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
