can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
