I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Enjoy the penises
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
