How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
