a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
