So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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