Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
