Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
