I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
