i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
