I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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