so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
