It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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