Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
