I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
