very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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