I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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