I need to stop coming to work sober
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
