Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
