i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
