anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
