So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
