Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
