I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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