She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
