i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
