my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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