I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
