Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
