I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
