Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
