the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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