My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
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i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
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I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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