they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
