she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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