4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
