I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
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