Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
We need a shit load of segways right now
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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