I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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