Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
