um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
