So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
