my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
