Umm I'm too high to move.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
