i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
