just come out here and I will go home with you...
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
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As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
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Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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