i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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