I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
