I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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