hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
