The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Small penises have feelings too.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
