my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
a search helicopter?!
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
