dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Randomize
