I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
